“Where in the ninety-nine hells are they?” asked Montar, the Abomination from the Outer Realms.
Their cavern was empty. Well, at least of adventurers. There were plenty of the mutated creatures that they had summoned to soften up any adventurers that were bold enough to try and slay them. These misbegotten brutes shrieked and burbled intermittently, as was their habit.
Montar passed a burnished gold mirror and gazed upon themselves. By all that was twisted and dark, they were magnificent! Their writhing mass of tentacles, eyes, and mouths were the definition of beauty. They budded several new mouths and blew themselves a kiss.
Floating through the caves, lit only by green and purple phosphorescent lichen, Montar grew increasingly irritated. They had spread the word that riches could be found here through those disgusting, but delicious human agents. It was just the sort of thing that would intrigue the hideous beings of this plane to come running.
So why wasn’t anyone here?
With great reluctance, Montar glided to the entrance of their cave. Outside was a grotesque landscape of dull green, non-luminescent plants, creatures that lacked tentacles, or slime, had only one mouth, and were covered in fur. As the tiny winged beasts sang their awful ‘songs’, the Abomination gazed at the unnatural bright blue sky. No adventures approached.
With seven of their nine stomachs churning from this disgusting landscape, Montar retreated back to the comfort of the damp glowing caverns. ‘Why is no one taking the bait?’ they wondered.
Once back in their main chambers, Montar activated their pool of distance to speak with their frenemy, Guuuunooook. The two of them were demi-kin, having budded from the same ooze pool. As a rule, Abominations hated everyone and everything, especially other Abominations, but they and Guuuunooook had an understanding, of a sort.
With a ripple of the arcane liquid, the image of Guuuunooook appeared. They presented in this plane as a large pustule that periodically erupted a variety of viscous substances. In other words, gorgeous.
“Greetings Guuuunooook!”
“And to you, Montar,” burbled his demi-kin.
“How is every little thing?”
“As well as can be expected, given the state of this terrible plane.”
“Right….”
“I mean, this is all very bad for business.”
“Of course!”
“The natural order has been disrupted!”
“So, so disrupted,” agree Montar.
Guuuunooook sprouted five small mouths that grinned.
“You don’t know what’s going on? Do you?”
“Of course I do!” sputtered Montar.
“Then tell me.”
“It, it, it, it… Sounds like you don’t know.”
“Oh, I know!”
“Then why don’t you tell me?”
Montar, who was terrible at improvising, mumbled, “All the things, that are going on, disrupting and so on…”
The two Abominations stared at each other for a moment.
“Just admit your ignorance,” cooed Guuuunooook.
“FINE! I admit it! I have no idea what is going on on the weird, ugly plane of existence! Are you happy now?”
“Very.”
“Are you going to tell me what’s all this is about?”
With several smirks, Guuuunooook replied, “It’s the Goblins.”
“Ugh! They’re so stringy, but I’ll eat them in a pinch.”
“Not the point.”
“Did they all die or something?”
“Worse, they’ve organized.”
“What?”
“Goblins all over the Land have thrown off the shackles of oppression and banded together. The established order is in chaos.”
“I am a big fan of chaos.”
“As am I, but it means that adventurers haven’t been visiting us.”
“Are they fighting the Goblins?”
“No! They’ve been allying with them.”
Montar writhed for a beat, then said, “This makes absolutely no sense.”
“I know! It’s madness and not the kind we are so fond of.”
“How do you know all this?” spat Montar suspiciously.
“Maybe try not eating your human minions when they finish one task,” suggested Guuuunooook.
“Whatever. Damnit, moving is awful, all the treasure packing is a terrible chore, but should we start looking for another plane of existence?”
“You can if you want, but I think I’ll stick around.”
Five of Montar’s eyes narrowed.
“Why?”
“What goes well with chaos?”
“Blood? Screams? Pain?”
“Yes, but I was considering more chaos.”
“I hate that you thought of that first, but it’s a terrific idea. I’d like to join you in this.”
“Let’s be clear, we still hate each other.”
“With every drop of my ichor!”
“And I will probably betray you the first chance I get.”
“Not if I betray you first.”
“Deal!”
They both grew tentacles that formed into a non-euclidean sigil to seal their pact.
“I think I know the first place to strike,” said Guuuunooook.
Both laughed manically. It was the only way they knew how.
The Writings of Leo Byrne Jenicek 