‘Eres Da Thing-Da Great Goblin Revolution-Part 1

Meanwhile, deep in a dungeon…

It dunt really make sense, do it?” asked Vork the Goblin.

How da ya mean?” replied his companion Bork, another Goblin.

Well, we’ve been hired by this evil wizard-”

To be fair, we dunt know he’s evil.”

Vork scratched his green chin for a moment and replied, “His name is Garthort the Wicked.”

Duz wicked mean he’s evil?”

It dunt mean he’s good, dus it?”

I’d feel better about it if ya said we’ve been hired by a wicked wizard. Jes to be precise.”

Alrighty then, we’ve been hired by dis ‘wicked wizard’ to guard a chest,” continued Vork.

Da one I’m currently sitting on,” added Bork.

Right, da one you are currently resting your spotty backside on.”

Thank you for noticing.”

Bork was especially proud of his spots.

Yer welcome. Now, what’s in dat chest?”

Specifically or generally?”

Let’s start generally.”

As I understand it, treasure.”

Exactly!” pronounced Vork with a flourish of his small fingers.

Bork squirmed, waiting for the next bit.

Treasure, valuables, loot, and so on. Which brings me with da problem.”

With a squeak, Bork leaped to his feet, “Der sumthin wrong wit da treasure? Are we in trouble?”

No! No, no,” insisted his friend, “da treasure is foyne!”

Bork slumped agains the stone wall of the room and sighed.

The problem isn’t wit the treasure per se. It’s why it’s here.”

Wot da ya mean?”

Well, why is da wizard putting his treasure here?”

It’s da treasure room, innit? Ders a sign outside and everting.”

Yah, I seen da sign.”

Den wot’s yer problem.”

Vork paused for dramatic effect.

It’s jus dat, if I wus a wizard, wit all that power, I’d put me treasure in a safer spot.”

Wot could be safer dan da treasure room?”

We ain’t de only treasure room.”

Bork stared at his companion for a moment.

Git out!”

Struth! We’re not even the first treasure room.”

Yer addlepated you are!”

Vork went right up to Bork, nose to nose, and said, “We’re treasure room number thirteen.”

Dat’s unlucky dat is!”

Not da worse part, I’d wager.”

How could it get worse!” sputtered Bork, who had begun to dance from foot to foot.

We’re supposed to protect dis treasure from any dat comes in, roight?”


Wotta we got, weapons-wise?”

You got da lovely club with a nail through it. Real nasty dat is.”

Vork swung the club as if testing it.

No one wants a smack from dat,” added Bork.

Suspect not. And what have ya got?”

Bork grinned with crooked teeth and produced a rusty, dull dagger.

Dis is a poisoned dagger dis is!”

What kinda poison?”

This rust is poisonous. One stab wit dis beauty and you got yerself a case of Tetanus. Right nasty dat is.”

And who would we be fighting off den?

Bloody adventurers! I hate’m I do! Da Dwarves especially!”

There was no love lost between Goblins and Dwarves, given their numerous and bloody wars. Additionally, there was an extra level of hatred from Bork, who had always wanted to grow a beard and never successfully done so. He resented the lush facial hair that even the youngest Dwarves sported.

But dey have better weapons, armor, magic den us, roight?”

Bork thought about this for a while and finally admitted, “I mean, probably. If wat I ‘ear is true.”

So we’re supposed to protect dis here treasure wit a club wit a nail through it and rusty dagger-”

Rusty poisoned dagger,” corrected the other Goblin.

Roight, a rusty poisoned dagger. Seems a proper wizard might equip his guards with some decent gear. Maybe a new sword or a crossbow.”

Yeah, dat would be sweet. But can’t be cheap to be a proper wizard can it?”

How do ya mean?” enquired Vork.

Well, dey wear dem fancy robes. Made of da finest velvet and whatnot. Not to mention those pointy hats, da ones wit all the moons, and stars, and comets on’em. Dos must come dear.”

I guess-”

And all dem books? Crikey, dats gotta cost lots of gold!”


Corse he needs to live a fancy tower, or else how would folks know he wuz a powerful wizard.”


And ‘course he pays us one copper a month, plus room ‘n board!”

Bork looked very proud of his economic acumen.

Here’s da thing, it seems dat he’s being a bit frugal on our end of things.”

Bork smile indulgently and pointed out, “Jest spelled it all out for you.”

I dunt think old Garthort the Wicked has our best interests in mind.”

Shusssh! He moight be listening to us roight now!”

Vork leapt upon the treasure chest and shouted, “Oy! Garthort ya wanker! Wot ya gonna do, eh?”

Bork franticly looked for a place to hide and finding none, spun in circle so he might be ready for whatever wrath might be coming. What followed was a terrifying silence.

See?” offered Vork with a smirk.

Bork, who had become very, very dizzy, sat on the floor and tried not to vomit.

You. Got. Lucky,” Bork replied slowly.

Do you really think dat a powerful wizard’s nutten better ta do den listen into two goblins he don’t even ‘menber da names of?”

I like ta think he ‘members our names.”

And I like ta think I’m livin’ in a golden castle in da clouds but it ain’t so, issit?”

He’s gotta care about us a bit, roight?”

Look down old son,” said Vork.

Turning his gaze down, Bork saw the floor. Nothing unusual about the floor, it was a dark green, just like always. That color though… Leaning in, he sniffed. A familiar scent.

By the Great Goblin’s pointy ears! Dats blood!” sputtered Bork.

Not just blood, Goblin blood, coverin’ da floor.”

Why would day paint da floor wit Goblin blood?”

Dey din’t. Dats just the spilled blood of our brethren! Lot’s of dem judgin’ by da fact it’s wall to wall.”

But I wuz told dat we wuz replacing two blokes wot had retired to the Valley o’ Eternal Delights!”

Dey retired roit into the belly of da monster ol’ Garthort wot keeps under his tower.”

My life is a lie it ‘tis,” whispered Bork.

Listen up mate, it dunt havta.”

Wot da ya mean?”

Vork smiled, it was a facial expression with a plan.

First off, we’re startin’ a guild.”

A guild?”

Roit, da Honorable Guild o’ Free Goblins.”

We gotta be honorable now?”

Naw, jest a name. Makes us sound all posh and dat. But we’re still ourselves, git it?”

Sounds brilliant. But dunt guilds need coin to start up? Alls I got is two coppers. Well, one. I’ll have two next payday.”

I think we’re all set,” replied Vork as he pointed at the chest sitting in the middle of the room.

Are you mad? Stealing from a wizard! Why not jesy take a hop down a dragon’s gullet whilst ya atit?”

I’ve been palaverin’ wit de lads in all de utter rooms, and it’s our opinion that if we all grab da loot and do a runner, wot can he do, eh?”

Bork turned a paler shade of green imagining all the horrible fates that might await them.

Let’s jest pop dis open and see wots wot,” said Vork as moved to the trunk.

Garthort never said nuttin’ bout lookin’!” insisted Bork.

True. ‘Couse he never said nuttin’ ‘bout not lookin’, did he den?”

Bork tried to find a flaw in that logic but failed. Meanwhile, Vork picked the lock.

Be careful!”

Vork assured him, “I am, I am,” and with a click, he opened the lock.

Der ya go, safe as houses we are!” declared Vork with more than a little smugness.

With that, he flipped open the top. It opened easily but also caused arrows to shoot from hidden slots in the walls. This was an unexpected and unwelcome development. As luck would have it, the arrows were set to fire at a height that exceeded both Vork and Bork.

Like I said, safe as houses,” stated Vork with more confidence than he felt inside.

Wot. Da. Hell.”

Putting an arm around his companion’s shoulders, he made the following observation, “If we were adventurers, dat would skewer us but good. But we’re Goblins, clever as all gitout and here we stand.”

Fair enuff,” Bork said as he tried avoid hyperventilating.

Let’s have a looksee.”

In the chest was gold and gems, more than either Goblin had seen in a lifetime. Both stared for a while, drinking it in. But that wasn’t everything. Vork removed a short sword that was resting in a silver scabbard. He drew it out and it burst into blue flames.

Oooooo,” they both said with reverence.

Dat’s enchanted dat is,” said Vork as he swung it about.

Wot else is der?” excitedly asked Bork, misgivings forgotten.

Try dis,” his friend said tossing him a rune engraved, copper rod.

He ran his fingers up and down, a faint flicker of orange light traced the inscriptions.

I wonder wot it duz? Wait, ders a button on dis side.”

Pressing it produced three orange bolts of energy that shot right past Vork’s head and in to the wall.

Dat’s proper dat is,” grined Bork.

No argument but be careful where you aim dat next time,” cautioned Vork.

Before he could reply that of course, he would, the door burst open. Adventurers poured in. A Human warrior, Elf mage, Gnome thief (though she preferred to be called a rogue), and worse of all, a Dwarf.

Look at this my friends, some filthy Goblins are taking our treasure,” said the Gnome.

We can’t let that happen,” said the Dwarf with a shake of his silky beard.

Vork and Bork looked at each other, then brandished their new weapons.

For da Honorable Guild o’ Free Goblins!” they cried.

So the Great Goblin revolution began.

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