A.E.G.I.S. REPORT # 89H6-V9X
LOCATION: Debra Feinberg’s Apartment, NYC, UWS. (Audio Only)
PROJECT: November Delta Alpha
DATE: December, 21st, 20XX, 20:23
RAMIREZ: So it’s not a Christmas tree?
FEINBERG: It is not.
RAMIREZ: But it is a tree in your living room. That you have decorated.
FEINBERG: That WE have decorated. You’re in this with me.
RAMIREZ: Okay, that we have decorated. But it’s not a Christmas tree.
RAMIREZ: Then what is it?
FEINBERG: It is a Hanukkah bush.
RAMIREZ: A Hanukkah bush?
FEINBERG: I know you heard me.
RAMIREZ: I’ve done a little reading about Hanukkah and I didn’t find anything about a bush. Candles, oil for eight days, the Maccabean revolt. Nothing about a bush.
FEINBERG: It is a more recent addition to the holiday.
RAMIREZ: And the significance, spiritually?
FEINBERG: It’s more secular than spiritual.
RAMIREZ: I see.
RAMIREZ: But you didn’t tell me the significance.
FEINBERG: Do you want the long story or the short?
FEINBERG: Christmas trees are fun and some Jewish people felt left out.
RAMIREZ: Isn’t that cultural appropriation?
FEINBERG: Well, the Christians stole it from the Pagans so I’m not losing any sleep.
FEINBERG: I research my justifications very thoroughly.
RAMIREZ: I’m impressed.
FEINBERG: As you should be.
RAMIREZ: Thank you for sharing this with me.
FEINBERG: Thank you for not judging my mishmash of holiday traditions and secular humanism.
RAMIREZ: It’s fun. And I’m learning stuff.
FEINBERG: Would you like to put the Star of David on the top?
RAMIREZ: I’d be honored.
FEINBERG: Perfect! All your training with Christmas trees really transferred over.
RAMIREZ: Phew! That’s a weight off my shoulders.
FEINBERG: You’ve worked very hard, so sit down and we can read through that large sack of Christmas cards you brought over. I’ll be right back.
(THIRTY-SEVEN SECONDS OF BACKGROUND PAPER SOUNDS)
FEINBERG: Here we go!
RAMIREZ: Eggnog, thank you!
FEINBERG: Take a sip.
RAMIREZ: Is this…
FEINBERG: It is.
RAMIREZ: Where did you find Rompope?
FEINBERG: In my kitchen.
RAMIREZ: You made this?
FEINBERG: I did and it was not easy. There were many, many trials and errors.
RAMIREZ: I’m so touched. I know you’re not a cooking person.
FEINBERG: True. But I do enjoy a holiday-themed beverage.
RAMIREZ: This is the best Chrismukkah ever.
FEINBERG: Look at you!
RAMIREZ: Look at us.
(ELEVEN SECOND PAUSE)
FEINBERG: Should we just throw these into the recycling and…
RAMIREZ: Very tempting, but is it in the holiday spirit?
FEINBERG: Hmmmm…I’m going to say yes.
RAMIREZ: They took their time to send cards, seems rude to just throw them away.
FEINBERG: I did said recycle them. (THREE SECOND PAUSE) Fine.
RAMIREZ: It feels like a long time since I got a Christmas card. Wow! Here’s one from REDACTED!
FEINBERG: Very tasteful. I’m surprised you didn’t end up with a warehouse full of cards.
FEINBERG: Shut up!
RAMIREZ: I don’t know if it was that many but people were sending me a lot. A lot of them got sent to the White House, for some reason. The staff was very nice about it but I don’t think they were happy.
FEINBERG: Did you carry it all away like super-Santa?
RAMIREZ: Ha! No. But I got on social media and thanked everybody who sent me a card or a present-
FEINBERG: You got presents?
RAMIREZ: -I asked people to send a card to someone who needed holiday cheer. Vets, nurses, teachers, delivery people. All those folks who keep things running and don’t get the thanks they deserve.
FEINBERG: You are painfully good. Wait, you’re on social media?
RAMIREZ: I set up an account so I could say stuff to a lot of people at once.
FEINBERG: Be very careful. The internet is a dangerous place.
RAMIREZ: No politics, no personal stuff.
FEINBERG: And no opinions.
FEINBERG: I’d warn you to stay positive but you’re always positive.
RAMIREZ: How is that a problem?
FEINBERG: Just be careful, okay?
RAMIREZ: I promise I will.
FEINBERG: You could hire someone to handle that for you.
RAMIREZ: Is that a job?
FEINBERG: You sound like my dad! Yes, it’s a job. I can help you get someone good.
RAMIREZ: Will they be painfully good?
FEINBERG: Hahaha. The only ones that are as good are you, Tom Hanks, and the Dalai Lama, and I’m pretty sure they’re busy. But I’ll find you someone ethical.
RAMIREZ: You don’t have to do that.
FEINBERG: Sweetie, I really do.
RAMIREZ: Okay, I trust you.
FEINBERG: Damn… That may be the sexiest thing any man has said to me.
RAMIREZ: I’m glad I said it then.
FEINBERG: Okay, these cards aren’t going to open themselves.
RAMIREZ: It is kinda fun.
FEINBERG: A Chrismukkah miracle.
RAMIREZ: I’ll drink to that!
FEINBERG: Feliz Jánuca!
RAMIREZ: Mazel Tov!
(GLASS CLINK AND DRINKING NOISES)
FEINBERG: Hey, here’s a card from REDACTED. They invited us to visit them at REDACTED.
RAMIREZ: That might be fun.
FEINBERG: That would DEFINITELY be fun!
RAMIREZ: This one doesn’t have a return address.
FEINBERG: SHIT! Don’t open it!
RAMIREZ: The government checked all of these out. They wouldn’t give it to me if anything was dangerous.
FEINBERG: Uhhh. I guess?
RAMIREZ: See? (RIPPING PAPER SOUNDS) It’s just a card, kinda abstract.
FEINBERG: It is pretty cool. Who signed it?
RAMIREZ: It just says, “A.F.”
FEINBERG: Does that ring any bells?
RAMIREZ: No. Kinda strange.
FEINBERG: All the AFs I can think of are dead. Aretha Franklin, Arthur Fiedler.
RAMIREZ: Hold on.
FEINBERG: You know who AF is?
RAMIREZ: Do you trust me?
FEINBERG: Yes. Wow, I said that fast.
RAMIREZ: I’ll get your coat.
FEINBERG: This better not be caroling.
RAMIREZ: No, it isn’t.