The Subject-The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

A.E.G.I.S. REPORT # 89H6-V9X

LOCATION: Debra Feinberg’s Apartment, NYC, UWS. (Audio Only)

PROJECT: November Delta Alpha

DATE: December, 21st, 20XX, 20:23

RAMIREZ: So it’s not a Christmas tree?

FEINBERG: It is not.

RAMIREZ: But it is a tree in your living room. That you have decorated.

FEINBERG: That WE have decorated. You’re in this with me.

RAMIREZ: Okay, that we have decorated. But it’s not a Christmas tree. 

FEINBERG: Nope.

RAMIREZ: Then what is it?

FEINBERG: It is a Hanukkah bush.

RAMIREZ: A Hanukkah bush?

FEINBERG: I know you heard me.

RAMIREZ: I’ve done a little reading about Hanukkah and I didn’t find anything about a bush. Candles, oil for eight days, the Maccabean revolt. Nothing about a bush.

FEINBERG: It is a more recent addition to the holiday.

RAMIREZ: And the significance, spiritually?

FEINBERG: It’s more secular than spiritual.

RAMIREZ: I see.

FEINBERG: Good.

RAMIREZ: But you didn’t tell me the significance.

FEINBERG: Do you want the long story or the short?

RAMIREZ: Short.

FEINBERG: Christmas trees are fun and some Jewish people felt left out.

RAMIREZ: Isn’t that cultural appropriation?

FEINBERG: Well, the Christians stole it from the Pagans so I’m not losing any sleep.

RAMIREZ: Really?

FEINBERG: I research my justifications very thoroughly.

RAMIREZ: I’m impressed.

FEINBERG: As you should be.

RAMIREZ: Thank you for sharing this with me.

FEINBERG: Thank you for not judging my mishmash of holiday traditions and secular humanism.

RAMIREZ: It’s fun. And I’m learning stuff.

FEINBERG: Would you like to put the Star of David on the top?

RAMIREZ: I’d be honored.

FEINBERG: Perfect! All your training with Christmas trees really transferred over.

RAMIREZ: Phew! That’s a weight off my shoulders.

FEINBERG: You’ve worked very hard, so sit down and we can read through that large sack of Christmas cards you brought over. I’ll be right back.

(THIRTY-SEVEN SECONDS OF BACKGROUND PAPER SOUNDS)

FEINBERG: Here we go!

RAMIREZ: Eggnog, thank you!

FEINBERG: Take a sip.

(SIP SOUND)

RAMIREZ: Is this…

FEINBERG: It is.

RAMIREZ: Where did you find Rompope?

FEINBERG: In my kitchen.

RAMIREZ: You made this?

FEINBERG: I did and it was not easy. There were many, many trials and errors.

RAMIREZ: I’m so touched. I know you’re not a cooking person.

FEINBERG: True. But I do enjoy a holiday-themed beverage.

RAMIREZ: This is the best Chrismukkah ever.

FEINBERG: Look at you!

RAMIREZ: Look at us.

(ELEVEN SECOND PAUSE)

FEINBERG: Should we just throw these into the recycling and…

RAMIREZ: Very tempting, but is it in the holiday spirit?

FEINBERG: Hmmmm…I’m going to say yes.

RAMIREZ: They took their time to send cards, seems rude to just throw them away.

FEINBERG: I did said recycle them. (THREE SECOND PAUSE) Fine.

RAMIREZ: It feels like a long time since I got a Christmas card. Wow! Here’s one from REDACTED!

FEINBERG: Very tasteful. I’m surprised you didn’t end up with a warehouse full of cards.

RAMIREZ: Well…

FEINBERG: Shut up!

RAMIREZ: I don’t know if it was that many but people were sending me a lot. A lot of them got sent to the White House, for some reason. The staff was very nice about it but I don’t think they were happy.

FEINBERG: Did you carry it all away like super-Santa?

RAMIREZ: Ha! No. But I got on social media and thanked everybody who sent me a card or a present-

FEINBERG: You got presents?

RAMIREZ: -I asked people to send a card to someone who needed holiday cheer. Vets, nurses, teachers, delivery people. All those folks who keep things running and don’t get the thanks they deserve.

FEINBERG: You are painfully good. Wait, you’re on social media?

RAMIREZ: I set up an account so I could say stuff to a lot of people at once.

FEINBERG: Be very careful. The internet is a dangerous place.

RAMIREZ: No politics, no personal stuff. 

FEINBERG: And no opinions. 

RAMIREZ: Really?

FEINBERG: I’d warn you to stay positive but you’re always positive.

RAMIREZ: How is that a problem?

FEINBERG: Just be careful, okay?

RAMIREZ: I promise I will.

FEINBERG: You could hire someone to handle that for you.

RAMIREZ: Is that a job?

FEINBERG: You sound like my dad! Yes, it’s a job. I can help you get someone good.

RAMIREZ: Will they be painfully good?

FEINBERG: Hahaha. The only ones that are as good are you, Tom Hanks, and the Dalai Lama, and I’m pretty sure they’re busy. But I’ll find you someone ethical.

RAMIREZ: You don’t have to do that.

FEINBERG: Sweetie, I really do.

RAMIREZ: Okay, I trust you.

FEINBERG: Damn… That may be the sexiest thing any man has said to me.

RAMIREZ: Really?

FEINBERG: Yeah.

RAMIREZ: I’m glad I said it then.

FEINBERG: Okay, these cards aren’t going to open themselves.

RAMIREZ: It is kinda fun.

FEINBERG: A Chrismukkah miracle.

RAMIREZ: I’ll drink to that!

 FEINBERG: Feliz Jánuca!

RAMIREZ: Mazel Tov!

(GLASS CLINK AND DRINKING NOISES)

FEINBERG: Hey, here’s a card from REDACTED. They invited us to visit them at REDACTED.

RAMIREZ: That might be fun.

FEINBERG: That would DEFINITELY be fun!

RAMIREZ: This one doesn’t have a return address.

FEINBERG: SHIT! Don’t open it!

RAMIREZ: The government checked all of these out. They wouldn’t give it to me if anything was dangerous.

FEINBERG: Uhhh. I guess?

RAMIREZ: See? (RIPPING PAPER SOUNDS) It’s just a card, kinda abstract.

FEINBERG: It is pretty cool. Who signed it?

RAMIREZ: It just says, “A.F.” 

FEINBERG: Does that ring any bells?

RAMIREZ: No. Kinda strange.

FEINBERG: All the AFs I can think of are dead. Aretha Franklin, Arthur Fiedler.

RAMIREZ: Hold on.

FEINBERG: What?

RAMIREZ: Huh… 

FEINBERG: You know who AF is?

RAMIREZ: Do you trust me?

FEINBERG: Yes. Wow, I said that fast.

RAMIREZ: I’ll get your coat.

FEINBERG: This better not be caroling.

RAMIREZ: No, it isn’t.

END TRANSCRIPT.