The Subject-What Happened

A.E.G.I.S. REPORT # 89H6-7XK-9G

LOCATION: REDACTED

PROJECT: November Delta Beta

DATE: November 7th, 20XX

BROWN: Do you require any medical attention?

AARONOVITCH: What do you think?

BROWN: I’m required to ask as part of this debriefing.

AARONOVITCH: I’m fine, any bloodstains are from other people.

BROWN: Asset does not require any medical aid.

AARONOVITCH: I do require something to eat and a stiff drink.

BROWN: Once we’re done.

AARONOVITCH: Okay… Dad.

BROWN: You were inserted three klicks from the target.

AARONOVITCH: A lot of your lingo sounds suggestive. Do I need to speak to HR?

BROWN: Asset continues to show a lack of respect for authority.

AARONOVITCH: You spooks don’t know how to have fun.

BROWN: Can we please continue?

AARONOVITCH: Fine, fine. Have it your way Burger King. Oooo!Someone’s got a new nickname.

BROWN: Did you encounter any resistance on your way to the target?

AARONOVITCH: Other than it being hot, gross, and sticky? No.

BROWN: You then disabled external power to the compound.

AARONOVITCH: Yes. I also breathed in. Then, hold on, I breathed out.

BROWN: These details are important.

AARONOVITCH: Fine, I knocked over the electrical tower. The one you told me to.

BROWN: Did the electricity affect you?

AARONOVITCH: No, it kinda tickled though.

BROWN: Continue.

AARONOVITCH: I got to the edge of the compound. It was crawling with scared guys with guns.

BROWN: How could you tell they were scared?

(AARONOVITCH taps her ear.)

AARONOVITCH: I could hear their heartbeats. Boom, boom, boom!

BROWN: What happened next?

AARONOVITCH: I cleaned house. 

BROWN: Meaning?

AARONOVITCH: Ugh! It’s like you have no poetry in your soul!

BROWN: Poetry is subject to interpretation. We need the facts.

AARONOVITCH: Fine! I killed them all. Is that what you wanted to hear?

BROWN: Yes. What about REDACTED?

AARONOVITCH: He almost got away.

BROWN: Almost?

AARONOVITCH: Well, after I went through all his men I thought, ‘Where is REDACTED?’

BROWN: Where was he?

AARONOVITCH: Picture this, I’m in the middle of the REDACTED. Covered in blood, the place is on fire.

BROWN: How did it catch on fire?

AARONOVITCH: A flame thrower may have been involved.

BROWN: You used a flame thrower?

AARONOVITCH: They started it. But if I’m being honest, it’s a LOT of fun.

BROWN: Then?

AARONOVITCH: Well the tank was empty, so I just flung it through a wall.

BROWN: About REDACTED.

AARONOVITCH: Right, got off track. So I stop and I listen. Then I heard it.

BROWN: REDACTED’s heartbeat?

AARONOVITCH: Nope. The fading sound of helicopter blades. So I run outside and leap into the night. It was sorta like flying. Very peaceful. Then, of course, there was the tearing of metal, the screaming, and the explosion.

BROWN: Can you confirm REDACTED’s death?

AARONOVITCH: After all that? Yeah, consider him dead.

BROWN: I cannot stress how important this is. REDACTED has been killed. Yes or no.

AARONOVITCH: YES! Jesus, you have some serious trust issues.

BROWN: Call it an occupational hazard.

AARONOVITCH: Maybe open your heart a little there Burger King.

BROWN: Did you enjoy it?

AARONOVITCH: I mean, you drop me in the middle of the REDACTED jungle so I can kill the world’s most dangerous REDACTED and destroy a REDACTED.

BROWN: So you enjoyed it.

AARONOVITCH: Oh my God yes! 

BROWN: Your enthusiasm is noted.

AARONOVITCH: You’re welcome. BTW, there was a room just filled with cash. I mean like a cartoon-rich guy amount.

BROWN: Did you take any?

AARONOVITCH: No!

BROWN: Why not?

AARONOVITCH: Well for starters, I didn’t have a purse. And the ninja outfit you had me wear didn’t have any pockets. Even if it did, what would be the point? It’s not like I’m going to go on a shopping spree.

BROWN: What happened to it?

AARONOVITCH: Dunno. Probably burned up in the fire. Seems like a waste though.

BROWN: In what way?

AARONOVITCH: There have to be people who could use that money more than REDACTED and his band of merry assholes.

BROWN: Interesting. That is not an answer I would’ve expected.

AARONOVITCH: My mercurial nature is one of my most charming qualities.

BROWN: Is that why you took that watch?

AARONOVITCH: You like it? I just saw it and HAD to have it.

BROWN: Did it belong to REDACTED?

AARONOVITCH: He wasn’t going to be using it.

BROWN: Please refrain from looting corpses.

AARONOVITCH: Please refrain from a buzzkill.

BROWN: No promises. A meal is being prepared for you, as per your order.

AARONOVITCH: Everything I asked for?

BROWN: Absolutely. 

AARONOVITCH: Including the-

BROWN: Everything.

AARONOVITCH: Burger King, that is so sweet. You’re going to make me blush.

BROWN: Have it your way.

AARONOVITCH: HA!