The Subject-Sales Pitch

SALES MEETING #37

Prague-Czech Republic 

U Medvidku Beer Hall

November 9th, 20XX 9:00 PM Local Time

DZULEV: Try the Matuška stout, it’s perfect for a cold evening.

EMISSARY: I prefer the pilsner.

DZULEV: Please sit down. I have to say that I had no idea that the infamous Doctor Kim was so young and lovely.

EMISSARY: I am not Doctor Kim, I am here as her representative. Additionally, my age and appearance are none of your concern.

DZULEV: A lie is a poor way to begin any sort of relationship.

EMISSARY: If you recall, our communications did not indicate that Doctor Kim would be present for this meeting, just that her interests would be represented.

DZULEV: I do not deal with underlings.

EMISSARY: Should I walk away because you are not Vla-

DZULEV: Very well, very well! We are both here to negotiate for powerful people.

EMISSARY: It’s important that we understand each other.

DZULEV: I cannot agree more. We are extremely interested in your process. The West already has their own super-human. It’s all the news reports these days.

EMISSARY: I am aware.

DZULEV: The balance of power must be maintained.

EMISSARY: As you say.

DZULEV: Do you not agree?

EMISSARY: I’m not here to discuss politics.

DZULEV: Business then.

EMISSARY: Yes.

DZULEV: Very well. Your process, what do you call it?

EMISSARY: Apotheosis.

DZULEV: How classical.

(PAUSE OF NINE SECONDS)

DZULEV: We would like to purchase this process.

EMISSARY: The process itself is not for sale. You choose whom you wish to go through the program and it is done by us.

DZULEZ: No, no, no. Those I speak for were most insistent that we own the process.

(EMISSARY SIGHS)

EMISSARY: What is the most popular soft drink in the world?

DZULEV: Excuse me?

EMISSARY: It is an easy question.

DZULEV: It pains me to say this, but the American Coke-A-Cola.

EMISSARY: Correct. The secret formula for that is in a vault. At any given time, there are only two people who know the recipe, and each only knows half of it. They are forbidden to travel together for obvious reasons. It is reasonable to assume there are other security measures in place to assure their continued dominance in the soft drink market. No amount of money would make them sell.

DZULEV: I see but-

EMISSARY: That is for a soda, worth untold billions but still, just a soda. We have the power to shift the geopolitical landscape as well as change the course of human evolution. There is nothing you can offer or threaten that will persuade us to sell our secrets.

DZULEV: Nothing? We have a great deal of resources at our fingertips.

EMISSARY: I will repeat myself once more. The process is not for sale.

DZULEV: I’m sure there is something we can offer.

(THIRTEEN-SECOND PAUSE.)

DZULEV: This is unfortunate, for you.

EMISSARY: We are well aware of your history with the GRU. It means nothing.

DZULEV: We will see, won’t we? Take her.

EMISSARY: Apricot.

(THIRTY SECONDS OF SCREAMS, FURNITURE SMASHING, GLASS BREAKING, AND THE DISTANT HOWLING OF DOGS.)

DZULEV: Bozhe moĭ!

EMISSARY: Colonel Dzulev, if you thought I would come to a meeting with someone of your particular reputation with no precautions, you are either very stupid or arrogant.

DZULEV: My men…

EMISSARY: All dead, the seven inside with us, the three on roofs with sniper rifles, the six in the van idling down the street, and of course your personal driver.

DZULEV: How?

EMISSARY: Joan, please say hello to the Colonel.

JOAN: Hullo.

EMISSARY: Joan is an example of Apotheosis. I believe this is what they call a “Hard Sell.” Messy, but effective.

DZULEV: What she did, was…

(TEN SECONDS OF WEEPING.)

EMISSARY: Indeed. Joan, was that difficult for you?

JOAN: Pffft! Easy-peasy.

EMISSARY: Thank you.

JOAN: Cheers! That was a bit of fun then.

DZULEV: We… We will agree to your terms.

EMISSARY: I know you will. We will be in touch. Joan.

JOAN: Alight, ready to go.

EMISSARY: And Colonel, just so we’re clear. Our fee has just tripled.

DVULEV: I understand.

EMISSARY: You will.

END TRANSCRIPT

This entry was posted in Science Fiction, Short Stories, Super Heroes, The Subject and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.