New Kaiju

The latest Godzilla movie, Godzilla, King of the Monsters is full of amazing fights between Kaiju, AKA giant monsters. Hoping to continue the trend, studios have announced the following spin-offs.

Godzilla versus Low Self-Esteem- After destroying Tokyo for the umpteenth time the King of the Monsters wrestles with a Kaiku of his own making, the hollowness of a cyclical pattern of destruction that echos over and over again. He seeks the wisdom of Biollante who insists he is not a licensed therapist, which only further alienates Godzilla. They fight, destroying Tokyo again, repeating the pattern of behavior once more.

Gamra versus Greek Life- The flying, flame spouting giant turtle is known as “Friend to All Children” returns to university to get the degree he needs to fulfill his lifelong dream of being a middle school teacher. Unfortunately, he attends a notorious party college and unwisely pledges a frat. Soon he is blowing off classes for keggers, road trips and other things he will later regret. Tragically Gamera fails to graduate, but he does learn that actions have consequences.

Picasso versus Rodin- The debate of Impressionism versus analytic cubism is finally decided in the great galleries of Europe. The outcome is subject to interpretation.

King Kong versus Barneys- The undisputed ruler of Skull Island leads a social media campaign against the famous department store when it is clear that they don’t carry any suits he can just buy off the rack. The hashtag, #DONTSHAMEKONG heavily trends and Barneys is forced to provide Kaiju sized clothing. The fashion show at the end of the movie is not to be missed.

Anguirus verus the Diablo Burrito- Can a mutated Ankylosaurus eat a one thousand pound burrito smothered in Osaka Demon Pepper sauce? I think we all want to know. Look for the cameo from Cooking Channel’s Casey Webb.

King Ghidorah versus That Kid Who Keeps Stealing his Newspaper- Ghidorah is a Kaiju who has not embraced the digital age and still has a physical subscription to the New York Times. However, every morning his paper mysteriously disappears and he suspects neighborhood scamp, Kevin Tanaka. With no proof, he considers destroying the countryside but is worried about lowering property values. With a heavy heart, Ghidorah buys an Amazon Fire because he doesn’t want to spend too much money on something he’s not sold on to begin with.

Mecha-Godzilla and Mecha-Kong versus Self-Determination- The robot versions of these famous monsters debate the morality of being created merely to cause destruction. As gesture of redemption, they write a free app that warns people of imminent Kaiju attacks.

Mothra versus the Glass Ceiling- The giant moth attempts to fly to the top of the tallest building in Tokyo but only makes it halfway. She is further saddened by the realization that she is being paid less than Battra.

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