Now that Game of Thrones is over, I’m going to reveal my predictions that I sealed in a cursed and locked cylinder at the Citadel. A maester riding an unmarked mule has just arrived so now I can reveal predictions for the end of this monumental series.
Tormund Giant’s Bane, with the help of Ghost opens a dire wolf preserve in the ruins of Castle Black, making the parents of children who wanted dire wolves as pets not liars as when they say that Growly is living up north in a place where he can run and play with other dire wolves.
Hot Pie does NOT sit on the Iron Throne but rests comfortably on the croissant couch after learning to make phyllo dough, thus establishing his own house with the motto, “We Cool On The Windowsill.”
Mera Reed finally arrives at Winterfell complaining about the traffic but most don’t believe her.
Arya Stark seeks to abandons the life of an assassin and use her face changing skills help people get over difficult break ups by letting them get closure that life seldom provides. Sadly, the parade of jilted lovers sends her into a murderous rage. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Ser Davos leans into his name and cooks the largest pot of onion soup Westeros has ever seen.
Yara Greyjoy, now the ruler of the Iron Islands, has an epiphany that rich people will pay lots of gold for something they think is exclusive and opens the Iron Islands Spa and Retreat. Customers learn to fish with their bare hands and are beaten with kelp to open up their pores. It becomes extremely popular, and she is known as Yara the Job Creator.
The new Prince of Dorn is mentioned several times but does not appear.
Jon Snow admits the real reason that renounced his claim to the Iron Throne is that he doesn’t want people to know he’s schtuping his aunt. Spoiler, Jon Snow is actually Jewish.
Robin Arryn wonders why no one visits anymore. Lord Yohn Royce contemplates telling him the truth but thinks it too cruel.
Even though the Night King is defeated and the Night’s Watch has been dissolved, Samwell Tarley continues to dress exclusively in black because he feels it makes him look cool.
Sansa and Tyrion settle into a marriage based on how they are smarter than everyone else. Ironically, it is the healthiest relationship either of them has ever been in.
As the Three Eyed Raven, Bran has the whole of human history at his disposal but ultimately squanders his gifts by guessing people’s weight at carnivals.
Daenerys, in a gesture of good will offers the people of King’s Landing an all you can eat BBQ but it is deemed to be “Too Soon.”
With no heirs, House Mormont makes a talking bear Lord of their house. It is later revealed to be Edmure Tully in a bear costume. While it doesn’t make a lick of sense, everybody just goes along with it.
Are these uncannily correct or wildly inaccurate? Full disclosure, I wrote these when hungry so there is more than one food related prediction.