Make Thanksgiving Great Again.

It’s the Holiday season. I know this not because Thanksgiving is next week but because a fair amount of commercials and online ads are telling me so. However, they all seem to be for Christmas, the Godzilla of holidays, large, inexorable, and well-nigh unstoppable. (For those who want to point out that Godzilla HAS been stopped, his franchise will not be denied.)
It may be that Christmas just has better marketing, so here are a few suggestions to give turkey day a little extra something something.
1-Tom Turkey is Santa’s brother. Is this a retrofit or do we really know that much about the Claus family? Sure they are completely different species, but there is a lot of magic in the stories we tell. Perhaps Tom was a hunter who loved turkey so much he was enchanted by a wizard to be a turkey so he might learn a lesson. I can see the Rankin Bass animation in my head, it writes itself. Also, dress up real turkeys in an autumnal colored Santa suit. No way that will end in tears or years of therapy.
2-Leaf and Twig People-Most places haven’t got snow yet but the ground is lousy with leaves and other tree detritus. After you rake, use some ingenuity, string, and wire and fashion a non-gender specific Leaf and Twig Person, decorate it festively and make sure to take plenty of pictures. Then burn it to the unknowable and cruel gods of the coming winter, and perhaps you’ll live to see the spring. It’s never too early to teach your children about the capriciousness of the unseen forces that play merry hell with our lives.
3-Presents-Everybody loves presents! So why not exchange presents on the big day. It will help the economy, or so I’m told, and it will perhaps ease tensions at the dinner table. Hard to be mad about politics or who married that loser when you got something shiny and new, we all know material possessions fill the bottomless hole in the core of who we are, at least till it’s time for everyone to get the hell out of your house.
For the kids, hang Cornish game hens over the fireplace the night before so Tom Turkey can fill them with presents! Bonus, if you have the fire going all night, you’ve gotten part of your cooking already done. It’s called multitasking. But make sure those presents are in some sort of insulated bags or the birds will be ruined as well as the toys.
4-Potent Potables-Sure everyone drinks more over the holidays but why not make a game of it. Every time someone offends or irritates you, take a shot of your favorite alcoholic beverage. Very soon, you won’t care if the cranberry sauce is the weird canned glop or how burnt it is. The kids will be traumatized, but that sounds like a tomorrow problem.
If you follow these suggestions, it will be like preparing for two Christmases, one right after the other. Fun and not at all stressful. You’ll give thanks once it’s all over. Isn’t that what this holiday is about?

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